Insomnia!
So right now I’ve got the insomnia, nothing in particular is causing it, I think. I haven’t slept well for about two days, maybe only about six hours between them, and not in a straight stretch each day. So yeah I’m not really thinking that clearly, last night around 3 am while staring at my roof, listening to the rain; out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure. It was Pluto, the roman god, fucking with my alarm clock … clearly a figment of a tired mind
also Thoth was there, he wasn’t doing my, looked good though, I figured that he was just waiting for Pluto to finish.
Sometimes I hate my subconscious.
Mental note, pick sanity up at drycleaner, FROG CHEESE PUMPERKNICKLE
Yeah, so for like the past week I’ve been slowly driving my self crazy (this is simultaneously an exaggeration and an understatement). On the first Saturday of this month I wen to a going away party or a pair of my high school acquaintances going to China (They’re doing well, apparently I’m the only one with cursed travel), anyway that’s only peripherally important. While I was there, most of my old class mates were there, but most importantly She was there (she number #3 for those keeping track at home), She was one of my prime crushes for years, even to today when I see her in passing on campus my muscles tense. She was by far the odd one out of my crushes, the other two I decided to have crushes on them, I made an intellectual choice ‘these individuals have traits and qualities that I find appealing in a variety of ways’ (yes I think in a very obtuse method), but with Her it was always a baser, more emotional attraction; not that I didn’t try to intellectualize it; I think (okay, more or less know) it’s because she is my social opposite, completely, best of all She has a histrionic streak, not a mile, let’s say 50m wide, She likes to have attention (hell, She’s a model, and in the interest of full disclosure, She’s a living marble statue) and I love to give attention i.e. observe. I was exhausted at the party, up for over 20 hours, surrounded by people most of the day, defiantly not playing to my introversion at all that day. I talked to Her for awhile at the party, between listening to Her and staring at the 17 foot bonfire I had constructed, it was enchanting; I can’t remember what She said, but we both enjoyed the conversation. Only thing I remember is that She asked me to contact her on a certain social networking site, which I did, I haven’t received a reply yet, and because I’m a little neurotic this week and I have a slight abandonment issue (Thanks Mom) this no reply is making me extremely anxious.
Ciao
P.S. I could not think of a better title
P.P.S My current course of action is to watch the old 90′s Marvel cartoons (x-men and spider-man), and laugh at various thing in them, not the cops with lasers or the prolific androids, those were a limitation of the media at the time
These Are The Places I Want To See Before I Die (For Geographical Formations)
Country – Feature
Socotra Island – Flora
Philippines – Chocolat hill
Belize – Great Blue hole
Uzbekistan – Hell Gate
Ireland – Giants Causeway
Croatia – Plitvice Lakes
China – Five-Flower Lake
Antarctic – Dry Valleys
Bolivia – Salar de Uyuni
Austria – Eisriesenwelt Ice Caves
I haven’t included photos, because I don’t want to steal Bandwidth from other people
What place do you want to see?
Introvert Hangover
I don’t know why, but I do go to parties. In frequently, maybe one every two or the months. Every time the same thing happens I get there early (relitivly speaking), say hello’s to every one , usually sit in a corner until I feel I’ve stayed long enough.
The next day though I feel exhausted and headachey (regaurdless of alcohol consumption), like one of those people who after every hard night of drinking say “oh god! I promise never to drink again!” And I keep thinkig, man I just wasted a free evening, spending time with people I’m without connections too. Maybe I’m just going slowly insane, but I wish it could get going faster, so that I could atleast enjoy it.
Self-deconstructuion
I’m spending more time by myself than is usual, and I’m sort of spiralling into deep self deconstruction. Of my conscious self I found that I have horrible self image issues, I don’t feel like I look how I should, nor do I know what I should look like. I find that this trait, for lack of a better word, is manifested in how I dress, I wear suits often even for mundane events; when now wearing suits, I wear loose fitting pants, and always a jacket/coat, with a hat (usually a bowler, or fedora; I tend to avoid the pork pie for its Oppenheimer connections), and, recently, gloves. Obviously I do this because by controlling my clothing and minimising exposure of my actual being I feel (intellectually feel?) more in control of how I think others view me. My other deconstruction of my conscious behaviour is the explanation of my choice of groups and (lack of) voluntary human contact; I want to keep this one short, because I think the more verbose I attempt to be to more its core will be lost; my decision on this matter is driven by conflicting needs and view of self worth. Keeping in mind that I do consider myself an introvert and therefore I don’t necessitate as much human contact as the average person. My self worth is (for whatever reason) depended on my intelligence, thus in academic, strategic, and other rule defined settings don’t really cause problems because of the ability to for me to measure my intelligence independently of the other people, but in social situations (and I realise how ‘wrong’ this is), since there is no independent means to measure my intelligence I measure mine against the people present (I don’t know how, I just do. Maybe another time I’ll try to decipher this). This leads to the contradiction; now I’m smart, very smart^, whether I’m a genius (I don’t think I am, but close) or not is free to be a matter of debate, and as one who is of above average intelligence can attest, talking to less intelligent individual… sucks, plain and simple. Anyway back to my sentence – This leads to the contradiction, I need to be smarter than the people around me, yet I am almost incapable of tolerating the difficulties of engaging those less intelligent than me.
Last a deconstruction of what I view as my most interesting subconscious behaviour, a reoccurring theme in my dreams. Now, when I don’t dream of specific things/people, I tend to dream of zombie scenarios and, to be blunt a complete void, devoid of everything except my consciousness. Let’s ignore this type of dream because I want to concentrate on the next type. I call them romantic dreams; I guess they are the closest thing I ever have had to a sex dream; I simply hold and talk (and occasionally kiss) with a beautiful woman. But what I find interesting is that every time I have one of these dreams the woman is they always have certain things in common, they’re a little younger than me (days to at most two years), frail/thin physique, yet still look healthy, and without exception highly emotive and emotionally aware. The best I can do to explain this is that, since I view myself as emotionally deficit (I don’t feel things emotionally, at most I think I feel them intellectually/rationally) I must create individuals that both symbolically manifest, in this case physically, what I view as my deficit as well was surpass it.
Would like to whoever eventually reads this to take ten minutes out of your day right now and reflect on, not on whom you are but on what your mind makes you and why that is. It can only better you.
^I would like to backup my claim, I swear upon [insert what you want], that this is the truth: After two years in university, studying engineering, I have a 3.75 GPA, not that impressive by itself, but I have also, yet to use an entire pack of loose leaf paper, using only one side (100 sheets) for note taking (I just got a laptop over Christmas, so that has never been an option) and have also never ‘read’ a text book, only ever consulting them for substance property tables (anyone familiar with engineering, or material science, etc. will know what I’m talking about); and finally I have at every lecture (and in doing so have developed a sort of infamy) either a) slept through it, b) left before half way through, c) skipped all together, or d) attended drunk, but still not disruptive to the other students.
Shocked out of my bubble
I read a post today on Edge of Everywhere about the difficulties of making friends, and to say this has always been an issue with me, would be something more then an understatement. While reading it, and writing a comment, I was sort of shocked out of my bubble and suddenly became nostalgic for being younger. Apart from all the bitchin’ stuff that goes along with being young I miss this I was so much smarter back then; not a relative to my peers thing, I mean in the way that as a child I was able to see parallels almost anything mythology and cellular biology, physics and chess, math and art… The most abstract relationships between two disjointed subjects was crisp, clear, and even logical to me, and it help me understand complex problems well before I should have. I miss that intelligence that we all had as children think out side the box in such an innate way, not weighted down by experience and being told the way thing ‘had’ to be done. If only I could regain that intelligence and combine it with my current knowledge, damn!
I’d also like to think about how as we get older we tend to forget look for answers in the abstract. How often is that answer your looking for already a solution to a different problem?
Back Again
Long time since I’ve sat down to try to write anything. And ‘anything’ has actually become quite a bit over the past two (pushing three) months.
The good news during this time was that I did quiet well in my classes, proving once again that with enough determination a genius can sleep through six courses and systematically pull grades that are neither too high nor tool low. I also got a bitchin’ laptop, Sager NP8660; this was sort of a hollow victory (more below). And lastly I got a bowler/derby/coke hat; unfortunately it has since gotten damaged during my adventures.
Now for the bad. As I some may know, and others can find out, I was supposed to go down south, to Chico CA, to study for the semester. And I did but after I got there stuff happened:
Hour 1 – Can’t get a hold of people who I’m supposed to be renting a house from.
Hour 2 – I’m taken to eat “A real American burger”; I surmise what I thought of your food after…
Hour 3 – Turns out the house was rented to someone else, I’m officially homeless
Rest of day 1 – calling random strangers of a list given to me to see, eventually found what turned out to be an incredibly nice fellow’s chesterfield. On my way to this guy’s place, I saw two groups of teenage girls start beating the bloody hell out of each other, with no provocation from either group; and some fat guy screaming at the top of his lungs into his cellphone.
Day 2 – look into an apartment, I stay here the next two days
Day 4 - Leave apartment can’t fucking sleep, train goes by ever 15-45 minutes, shacking the building violently, and blasting its horn. People of California should learn *Insulation makes your buildings more efficient, reducing heating and cooling cost, as well as reducing noise transfer and making your buildings sturdier*
Day 5-9 – Sleeping on chesterfield, applying for apartments, getting rejections from those apartments
Day 10 – meets the other international exchange students, very nice particularly the a Brazilian male, Quebecois female and three Irish lasses, all very nice (two of the Irish lasses were quite cute), unfortunately I can’t apply my recently acquired basic social skills because my days include apartments visits and refreshing my inbox over and over while sitting on a stranger’s chesterfield. Also I’m not yet 21, and therefore can’t spend time with these potential friends in the evenings.
Day 11-13 – Sleeping on chesterfield, applying for apartments, getting rejections from those apartments
Day 14 – Classes start, I skip them, say “screw it!” and drag my luggage off the to a hotel.
Day 15 – Still no housing prospects, I go to my classes if only to introduce myself to my professors. I start looking into airfare home
Day 17 – I wake up at 5 AM to a phone ringing, my parents have found me a flight home that day. I double check my emails to see if any new housing prospects look promising, none do; so I decide to cut my loses ad go home.
First things first,
Dear Americans, your food sucks, I tried all types of food down there, all price ranges, all styles. Your cheese all taste the same, like wax and have the consistency of rubber. Your pizzas are needlessly greasy, and your crusts are, for lack of a more descriptive term, cardboard. Your salads overpriced and under sized. Your meats and fatty and sinewy and tougher then a coffin, with just as much taste. Last and worst, your Slurpees are not even worth any mention more then to say that they might as well be slush I gathered of the side a road back home.
Now that I got my biggest issue out of the way I must say the weather was very desert like (Hot during the day, cold at night), and the rain there was damaged my hat.
And at last count: Houses/Apartments viewed = 30+, Applications Rejected = 6, Still pending = 5, never got back to me about anything = 16.
About the computer being a hollow victory. I had a laptop fund, quiet large, ~3000$, but I was trying to put off buying one for as long as possible, because then I would that much better of a machine. Going down forced my hand, and while I am happy with the machine, I can’t help wanting more from it.
I have to say the worst part is not having the opportunity to make better Friends with the aforementioned people. How often do the socially inept get a chance to be plunged in to a group of interactional peer, where my deficiency comes from my early life social isolation and continued introversion, and their from a language barrier.
Now that I’m home, my odessy done, I’ve turned to a new pursuit. I’m trying to get in shape by summer (that means loseing 30 pounds of fatt and significantly incresing cardio and uperbody strength) so that I can take up Parkour. Also I need to find a job.
Ciao
“The best thing in life is being free of obligation…
otherwise you lose your ability to gamble.”
-Setzer Gabbiani, Degenerate gambler, womanizer, and zepplin owner, FF6
I love that line, (not to mention who said it). I’m not a sentimental person, if you were to compare my room to any other person my age , you’d be astounded by the differences, probably the only things the same would be that both have a bed, both have dirty clothes on the floor. I don’t have any posters on my walls, no t.v., no pictures, no computer, etc. The only things I have in my room (in addition to what I mentioned above) are a desk containing a bottle of single malt Scotch (Not that I drink regulaily, but I do enjoy nice single malt now and again), and a bookself full of esoteric litrature, RPG source books, and print outs of bootlegged texts.
This has always suited me fine, I don’t spend much time in my room. But people always seem put off when they see it, one time my cousin made a joke “So, when are you moving out?”. I didn’t get it. In self reflection, my room is a suiting reflection of my life, I don’t have any community ties, I’m not close to any of my fammily members, I don’t have a job (at least durring the school year), I’m only part of orginations that have very flexible obligations, or clubs that meet infrequently. Jokes on them though, because of my, let’s say ‘detached’, life style I’ve been able to (was the only one able to) accept a position in my uni’s student exchange program! So (on condition that I can push through the paperwork in time) starting this January, I get to go to Chico state for a whole semester.
-Ciao
In Dexter’s Lab!
Short little entry.
No not the delightful cartoon with the strange accented boy genius. But, “Showtime’s hit series” I’m about half way through the first episode, and I like it. From what I can gather about his “Code of Harry” it was the right way to raise him (some people just have evil tendencies, I for one CAN NOT LOOSE at Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo); at least if you are a utilitarian and posses a bit of a macabre sense of dry humour.
Ciao
P.S. Funny bit of info: you know those high school year book captions some people got (best dresses, most likely to succeed, etc. and what not)? Well, my final year, the year book comity was made of pretty much all French immersion (I was in French Immersion, and even as distant as I was we were all still really close) kids, so they decided that everyone of us (the FIs) deserved a couple of these captions. Long story short(er) mine ended up being Most Likely To Resurrect a dead Technology (I have a thing for Zeppelins), Most Likely To Secede (I’ve always wanted to annex some small piece of land [hmm... maybe Nova Scotia, is is a beautiful country side...]), Most Likely To Be The Worlds First Super Villain and/or Bond Villain (don’t ask me, I don’t know why I got this one), Most Likely To Be A Contributing Factor To The End Of The Wold (I think this has to with the Super Villain thing), and finally Most Likely To Be A Serial Killer or Lead A Criminal Syndicate (I guess that’s what a enlarged sense of apathy and macabre humour rooted deeply in the works of H.P. Lovecraft and Franz Kafka gets me. Can’t say I’m not proud about the Criminal Syndicate thing, that sound like fun)
People aren’t worth it!
I am a prolific lover of airsoft; beautiful game really, when played for fun, as I did today (with a group of people from my uni). In doing so though I had a splendiferous time, but also a reaffirming slap in the face.
Women aren’t worth it!
Its not that I don’t understand their thought process, but some times its that I believe in its nonexistence. For example, there is one girl, lets call her Lucky, anyway Lucky hates me; that special kind of hate that you reserve for very few people you wish to see burn in hell. The thing is I have no idea how this happened, I only met her last year, we’ve never spent prolonged time together, we don’t oppose on issues/beliefs. Now i don’t mind a little hate, you can’t be everyones friend, but I at least like to now what causes enmity towards me, so I can at least try to minimize the actions or behaviour that cause it (after all if one person hates it, it probably annoys ten others). But much to my dismay she hasn’t let anyone in on the secret source of her ‘deep-rooted’ hatred. The strange thing is (and this is why I believe the thought process behind it is shaky, not absent), is that after about three drinks; so enough to have some effect, but still far from drunk; Lucky has absolutely now problem with me, none, at least once she even forgot who I am.
[GRAMMER CORRECTIONS at the behest of pretzelboy] She is not the only gril like this I know (and not all the examples involve them hating me [I not that bad, I don't think.]) but she is the most extreme example I could think of.[/end of Corrections]
Example of it in action at tonight’s airsoft game: So waiting in the lobby for the game to start, Lucky was sitting on the couch (a very long couch), I had gotten there much earlier ’cause I had some maintenance to do. I was tired of standing so every so discreetly and nonchalantly as I could I sat down on the far end of the couch, she made this evil throat sound and got up and walked away, I didn’t even make eye contact. Later, near the end of the match I was sneaking around when I saw some opponents rip for the picking, I snapped around the corner of the main corridor and tap, tap, tap, I took out three (really nice shots too) looking at the other end, I advance to their position, saw one of my guys had pegged down some more opponents; I check behind me, tap, got one more that had wandered behind me, dash around the corner, close-quarter-killing (calling an opponent ‘out’ without shoot them, only doable at close enough range that shooting them would be a dick move, performed buy pointing you’re gun at them and shouting ‘Mercy’) three before they could get a shot off, spin around to the sound of an empty gun firing, there is Lucky, I’m thinking “I’m not getting shot, she must be out of ammo”, so naturally I’m going to close-quarter-kill her to, but to be fair and give her a chance to realise she’s out of ammo, and maybe close-quarter-kill me I say ” I think you’re empty. Mercy!” now she almost got me but I called her out just as her first syllable was leaving her lips. At this point I figure “eight was a good run” and not wishing to incur any additional ill will I also call myself out. I swear to God, I though she was going to club me with her gun.
Men aren’t worth it!
Most men are after only after two things, you know the first, the second it to best other men in the most boyish fashion possible. Alcohol can supplement or replace either of the two things.
’nuff said.
The moral of today’s story is:
Venting to people (even though very few people to date have read this blog) on the Internet is cathartic.
Ciao
