Self-deconstructuion
I’m spending more time by myself than is usual, and I’m sort of spiralling into deep self deconstruction. Of my conscious self I found that I have horrible self image issues, I don’t feel like I look how I should, nor do I know what I should look like. I find that this trait, for lack of a better word, is manifested in how I dress, I wear suits often even for mundane events; when now wearing suits, I wear loose fitting pants, and always a jacket/coat, with a hat (usually a bowler, or fedora; I tend to avoid the pork pie for its Oppenheimer connections), and, recently, gloves. Obviously I do this because by controlling my clothing and minimising exposure of my actual being I feel (intellectually feel?) more in control of how I think others view me. My other deconstruction of my conscious behaviour is the explanation of my choice of groups and (lack of) voluntary human contact; I want to keep this one short, because I think the more verbose I attempt to be to more its core will be lost; my decision on this matter is driven by conflicting needs and view of self worth. Keeping in mind that I do consider myself an introvert and therefore I don’t necessitate as much human contact as the average person. My self worth is (for whatever reason) depended on my intelligence, thus in academic, strategic, and other rule defined settings don’t really cause problems because of the ability to for me to measure my intelligence independently of the other people, but in social situations (and I realise how ‘wrong’ this is), since there is no independent means to measure my intelligence I measure mine against the people present (I don’t know how, I just do. Maybe another time I’ll try to decipher this). This leads to the contradiction; now I’m smart, very smart^, whether I’m a genius (I don’t think I am, but close) or not is free to be a matter of debate, and as one who is of above average intelligence can attest, talking to less intelligent individual… sucks, plain and simple. Anyway back to my sentence – This leads to the contradiction, I need to be smarter than the people around me, yet I am almost incapable of tolerating the difficulties of engaging those less intelligent than me.
Last a deconstruction of what I view as my most interesting subconscious behaviour, a reoccurring theme in my dreams. Now, when I don’t dream of specific things/people, I tend to dream of zombie scenarios and, to be blunt a complete void, devoid of everything except my consciousness. Let’s ignore this type of dream because I want to concentrate on the next type. I call them romantic dreams; I guess they are the closest thing I ever have had to a sex dream; I simply hold and talk (and occasionally kiss) with a beautiful woman. But what I find interesting is that every time I have one of these dreams the woman is they always have certain things in common, they’re a little younger than me (days to at most two years), frail/thin physique, yet still look healthy, and without exception highly emotive and emotionally aware. The best I can do to explain this is that, since I view myself as emotionally deficit (I don’t feel things emotionally, at most I think I feel them intellectually/rationally) I must create individuals that both symbolically manifest, in this case physically, what I view as my deficit as well was surpass it.
Would like to whoever eventually reads this to take ten minutes out of your day right now and reflect on, not on whom you are but on what your mind makes you and why that is. It can only better you.
^I would like to backup my claim, I swear upon [insert what you want], that this is the truth: After two years in university, studying engineering, I have a 3.75 GPA, not that impressive by itself, but I have also, yet to use an entire pack of loose leaf paper, using only one side (100 sheets) for note taking (I just got a laptop over Christmas, so that has never been an option) and have also never ‘read’ a text book, only ever consulting them for substance property tables (anyone familiar with engineering, or material science, etc. will know what I’m talking about); and finally I have at every lecture (and in doing so have developed a sort of infamy) either a) slept through it, b) left before half way through, c) skipped all together, or d) attended drunk, but still not disruptive to the other students.
Of philosophy and relationships
I love philosophy, I find enthralling that one can use abstract concepts to guide your life, including (but not limited to) outlook, action, interpretation of action, people, beliefs, and relationships.
After having a philosophical crisis afew years ago I started to craft my own personal amalgam of philosophy combining existentialism; utilitarianism; atheisim, backed on a preference for the Many Worlds Theory over the Copenhagen Interpretation because it allows me to belive that evrything is posible and doesn’t necessitate a sort of ’supreme observer’ that would have had to collapse the initail probability field of the universe; Gödel’s incompleteness theorem; a love of the Oxford comma; loathing of the hyphen; and something that doesn’t quiet have a name yet.
So, to briefly describe how all this culminates into personal method of guidence. Nothing has inherit meaning, no matter what, evrything only has the meaning the you give to it; this gives you a enormus amount of power over happenings in your own life. The ends justifies the means, so long as the means does not make a moot point of the end; this may soud cruel, but ”I must be cruel only to be kind./This bad begins and worse remains behind.” (Hamlet Act 3, scene 4, 178–179), it is our duty to maximize well being and minimze suffering to all of our community. All humans are inherently equal, and deserve equal love, no matter how despicable their acts or how much of a stranger they are. People are not their action; actions cause happiness, and actions cause suffering; these are what need to be maximized and minumized (respectively). Actions can be reviled, praised, emulated, and anything else you want. Relationships are the most important, they are what places one person above another.
I’m not perfect, i try to live buy this befuddling code, simply because this is what makes sense to me now. 5 years, five months, two weeks, tomorrow, I’ll adjust as needed, but right now this makes me a better person.
Jumping back to relationships for a bit. I love what DJ is doing right now (side note: I feel as though we could not have a better leader for the movement right now, both articulate and charasmatic) we need this sort of lingustic rethink, I can’t tell you the times I’ve sheepishly backed away from people I’ve been interested in because I couldn’t find a way to say what I wanted from them without sounding like this creep from out of no where. I’ve never really had any luck with relationships, they’re more foriegn to me then sex, at least you aren’t expected to uderstand sex in a social context until mid teens or older, but relationships is just something that you’re expected to know intrinsically, and I don’t (I mentioned this in “In the beginning“). Not only does this disscusion expand vocabulary in a way it desperately needs but also allows people like me to, effectivly, learn to how act while the actual language is being developed.
I not exatly show how clear this is, hopefully I can clean this up this weekend.
Ciao.
